Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need a beard to bite.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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