We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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