I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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