I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
