The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
