I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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