Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i came on her dog
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
