I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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