3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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