I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
