I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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