Yo dont text me then not text me
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
