this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
