I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
