My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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