a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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