Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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