Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
