Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
