Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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