he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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