Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
