if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
