It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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