your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
