maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
