I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
