How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
