we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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