I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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