Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
