Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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