I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
