I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
