i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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