Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
