Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
