Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
