If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
