With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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