Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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