ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
