I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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