I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
