I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
