is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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