and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
