Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
