is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
