My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
