so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
