get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
