apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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