Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
