My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
