I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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