Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
