It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
