Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
