don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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