did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
