I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
