its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
